menu_side_salad.jpgForget quiche. Man’s number-one enemy has been hiding in our very midst. Sure it looks harmless, the salad, but I assure you it isn’t. The proof of its abominable character is the widespread belief that eating it is good for you. Hell, even I believe it.

But ask yourself this, Has salad ever done anything good for you? Sure, the Doc says it will increase the firmness and frequency of your bowel movements. Has it ever? Not me. Just the opposite. In fact, I’m considering going back to what really worked: a Griff’s triple cheeseburger and a side of onion rings.

Your girl tells you to eat the leafy greens so you’ll lose weight. Have you ever lost a pound? You know why? Because they hide all the bastard calories in the dressing so you keep getting fat. That way you’ll have to eat more damn salad.

Next time she tries to convince you your metabolism’s slowing down, just remember … it’s because you’re eating so much salad.

And why would your beloved conspire with the cauliflower and the snow pea to keep you on such an odious diet? Because it’s impossible not to look stupid eating a salad and when you look stupid she feels better.

When you’re chasing five of those little peas around a bowl with nothing but a fork and cracker, try maintaining assertiveness and control. You can’t … and those little peas, they’re laughing at you man!

That’s right, and they’re not the only ones. The croûtons are laughing at you too, when you try three … four …. five times to spike one on the end your fork. They know damn well you can’t do it. But they don’t tell you that. The lettuce laughs when you hyper extend your jaw and still end up with a layer of dressing on you cheek and chin. The grape tomato laughs as it bounces out of the bowl because your aim was off.

Oh yeah, and your girl laughs when that ranch dressing ends up all over you new shirt.

Do yourself a favor. Get off the greens. They’re bad for you anyway. They leave you hungry and malnourished. They confuse your body into thinking it hasn’t eaten. They take away your pride, your dignity, your manhood. Plus, they give you gas.